Chapter One

March 2nd, 2017

How did I wind up with thoughts and values that aren’t my own? Why do I question when people tell me I’m beautiful? When people tell me I’m worthy of love? Why do I believe that my happiness is determined by a number on a scale, or the width of my waistline? Why do I lie in bed at night praying that tomorrow morning I won’t wake up? How did I wind up this way? Why was I born with a fucking serotonin deficiency that totally skews my reality? I’m privileged. I’m educated. I’m loved. The fact that I feel this way is a total joke. But it’s the way I feel all the same.

I miss the uninhibited Bella I used to be. Honestly the chubby girl was way more fun than this obsessive-compulsive, anxiety-ridden control freak. But I can’t find myself. Anywhere. I’m searching hard. I keep running away, hopping environments, hoping that a change of scenery will change my head. But no matter where I go my thoughts are still with me.

I have a question for all my friends out there. Do you really love me? Would you really notice if I disappeared? Would you still be drawn to me if I weren’t the smallest person in the room? If I succumbed to the pressure and ate a piece of cake?

Am I really beautiful? Am I really worthy of life and love?

I’m not seeking attention here. I’m not pulling these questions out of my ass. These are the thoughts that run through my head 24/7 and I’m sick of pretending they’re not there because it’s fucking exhausting and I’m tired of lying and I want help and I want love and I want friends and I want happiness and I want control of my life.

I feel like my life is pointless. Like I’m a waste of space. I just want to be done with everything. I’m under too much pressure. No matter what I do or say I’ll never be good enough. For who, I don’t know. I guess for myself. I know this pressure is totally self-inflicted. But it’s still pressure and it’s still weighing me down and I can’t seem to rise above it.

I starved myself because it was my penance for being a shitty person. It made the shame a little more bearable. But now I’m not starving. I’m full. Not just of calories, but of guilt and shame. I “fixed” myself, and in the process, I lost my identity. I gave up. I gave in.  I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m lost. So I’m just asking for help here. Help to fix myself, to find myself, to love myself. To find out who I am outside of my anxiety, my depression, and my eating disorder. I need to find out who I am. ‘Cause I’m close to giving up.

I want to make a difference in the world! I want to help people! I want to do something meaningful!

I really do want to recover. I really do. A part of me doesn’t. But most of me does. That’s the part I want to channel. I just need some help, some support. I need to find some purpose. I’m hoping that sharing my story and reaching out to the world will help me and will help other people. So I’m writing this blog. It’s time to be an open book.


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10 thoughts on “Chapter One

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  1. This is truly something powerful….and I am beyond words to describe exactly how courageous you are for being this honest. Thank you for sharing this; THAT is something awesome. Love you past pluto

  2. Your choices affect more than just yourself, and if you made the choices that lead to your disappearance I would be truly be sad! From looking at your recent posts, so would so many other people. Such events cause me to reflect (more than you’d think) on the hurt the person was/is silently enduring and I tend to wonder if I missed an opportunity to reach out and be a friend or even notice that they were struggling. I admire your willingness to be open and honest about this very real trial. I remember going to find you on Facebook this past year at some point to see what you have been up to. I noticed there wasn’t much there when I was used to seeing pictures of you with friends pop up in my feed. I recall wondering if everything was alright. I know we don’t know each other very well, but I enjoyed being your counselor at Rockbrook waaay back in 2009, I will never forget your smile. You smiled a lot. I like to see where life has taken “my” girls, and I do enjoy following you on Facebook and through your journey now.

    You are NOT worthless, and I’m not just saying that because you have gone through really debilitating trials. You have the potential to help many people and do something with your life that has meaning to you. We all have “dark” days, weeks, months or even years where we do feel lost or confused. Hang in there. You have no idea who you are helping just by sharing your thoughts and feelings here.

    p.s. You have a gift with writing. My writing sucks and I was a teacher. haha!

  3. You are brave. Your words powerful. You demonstrate how honesty is the path to healing. I look forward to more…

  4. I know what you are going through! I’m here to say that it gets better! It doesn’t ever completely go away to be honest but you learn to LIVE with it and through it! Finding something (anything) to make YOU feel better is the key! Try new things always! It makes you a more well rounded person in my opinion. After 35 years of searching, my thing is yoga! I danced, learned to draw, took a gazillion different classes in colleges, among many unhealthy things, and finally found the one thing that helped me escape the negative crap in my brain even if it was/is just for an hour and a half everyday. I found that learning how to be in the present, right here and right now, rid me of so many of my anxieties. You keep searching for what helps you do the same!

  5. Bella, I admire you greatly for being so vocal about your mental health. So many people (including me) are hesitant to open up in fear of being alone in their experience. This entry really resonates with me and I can take away the fact that I am not alone and not powerless. I can’t wait to read more.❤️
    I’d also like to take a second from all the deep stuff and let you know that your writing style is fantastic. Your voice really shines through!

  6. This is where you will find what you are looking for, beautiful, amazing, kind, talented, bright Bella. Being honest with yourself and those around you will connect you with people in ways you never imagined. Connection is the cure for these problems you are facing. I know you won’t believe me (yet), but as someone who has watched you grow, you light up any room you are in. You draw people in because of what shines from the inside. Also, now you’ve shown the world that you are an incredibly talented writer. KEEP WRITING. I love you dearly!
    One of your theater moms


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