Dear Eating Disorder,
You put me through hell last night. And the night before that. Come to think of it, you’ve put me through hell all week.
I. can’t. go. back. to. you. So. get. out. of. my. head.
I really miss you. I really do. I sort of low-key hate my body and I’m sort of low-key super depressed and I don’t have you around to manifest that. It sucks.
The best part of emaciation was that everyone could see my pain. One look at me and you’d hear my cry for help. But now you can’t see it. I still have pain, but nothing to show for it.
If you can’t see my pain, do I even have it? Do I even deserve to have it?
You’ve been whispering sweet nothings in my ear all week. You’ve given me countless opportunities to skip meals and restrict and I haven’t taken any of them. I feel so weak. You’re making me feel so weak. I’m not even sure if I have the capacity to restrict anymore. Not sure I could do it even if I wanted to. And that scares me.
I miss my old body. I miss my sick body. I worked so hard to get it and it’s gone. It’s fucking gone. I’m stuck in this strange car that I don’t even know how to drive.
Restricting feels great when it’s just me and you. But when you have a treatment team on your ass 24/7, it’s impossible to escape into that euphoria. Losing weight is more trouble than it’s worth when you’re forced to gain it back. Sure, I could lose weight if I wanted to. But there are repercussions. I’d be sacrificing NYU. And I can’t do that. Not even for you.
I wish it could just be you and me.
Everyone says you don’t make me happy, but I’m not happy without you either.
I’m completely clean right now. I’m not restricting at all. But I dream of the day when I can again. Is that you putting that thought in my head? Can you just go away? It’s really hard to feel proud of the “progress” I’ve made when you tell me I’m a failure every time I take a bite.
Maybe I’ll get to New York and embrace you again. Maybe you and I will sail into the sunset. Or maybe I’ll find happiness elsewhere and never speak to you again. Even now, without you dominating the depths of my being, I’m living more fully than I have in years. My relationships are flourishing and I’m actually able to laugh. But you’re still not give me the freedom I need.
I want to be sick and I want to be healthy and I want to disappear and I want to live my dreams and I feel stuck and conflicted at every turn and I’m so uncomfortable I can’t even move.
Please just get away from me, please.
Maybe it will be a disaster. Maybe I’ll miss you too much and have to go back to you. But maybe I won’t and maybe that’d be good.
I’ve worked too hard to get to where I am physically, and not that it’s about looks, but it’s totally not worth it to have you in my head without the physical benefits.
God, I wish I could just jump out of my body and escape all of this.
I. am. miserable. You. are. making. me. miserable.
Please, please, please get out of my head!!
Ok. That’s all. Thank you.