It’s Ok 

Dear Bella, 

It’s ok. It’s okay that you’ve had a rocky week and that yesterday you found out you dropped two pounds and that you were afraid to admit to Jan that you suspected it and that it felt really good and that you really want to keep going in that direction because it’s so fucking addicting and that it’s also not fair cuz two pounds is like nothing big deal and for would be a victory for most people but not for you, you have to put it back on, you have to get back into “weight range,” and what the fuck is a weight range anyway why do you have to have one that’s so dumb just let your body be why can’t you let your body just be and holy shit of course the one week you feel solid in your body you find out you lost weight. It’s ok that at times like these you wish you didn’t have a treatment team because controlled restricting–not a full on relapse but controlled restricting–would be so much easier if you didn’t have eyes on you and it’s also okay that you kind of feel sad and kind of feel like a failure because you were in such a pro-recovery, fuck-the-eating-disorder mindset last week, and now you’ve been triggered and you’ve been tempted and you remember how good it feels, and it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay to be exactly where you are because there’s nowhere else you should be. 

You deserve a shoutout for the past few days. Props to you for pushing through the depression–for dancing at Trombone Shorty, for going to lunch with Adam and letting him see your not-so-pretty parts, for not letting yourself push him away. Props for rallying last night and going to his showcase where you ended up having a totally great time. Props to you for acknowledging your current state and admitting that the weight loss feels good and that you’re devastated to compensate for it and you’re proud you can still shed pounds like nobody’s business and you’re pissed that you fricking caaaan’t anymore cuz you’re done with that, remember? and it’s totally okay that you couldn’t get through the night without popping an Ativan cuz it’s the only way the fear would subside and it’s totally fine everything is totally fine just be nice to yourself because you are totally fine. Congrats on watching “Working Girl” last night instead of exercising even though you felt like soggy oatmeal. This is what self-compassion is: self-compassion is watching young Alec Baldwin fucking the wrong girl. It’s okay that you feel like shit for not running and that you really just want to be thin and happy because obviously being thing makes you happy right because when you’re thin you can forget about everything else, the sadness doesn’t hurt, and it’s okay that you betrayed yourself yesterday by doing the healthy thing because guess what that wasn’t a betrayal that was a favor and you’ll see that one day and you’ll be proud of yourself like I’m proud of you now. Everything is okay it’s all going to be okay just keeping going like this keep doing what you’re doing I love you so much you are the best you don’t need an eating disorder to cope you don’t have to ruminate in your sadness you don’t have to cower behind your anxiety you can live the life you deserve you just have to keep on fighting like you did this week and you’re so fucking strong and you’ve got his and I’m proud of you.
Stay Gucci.

Bella


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