I don’t even know where to begin right now, I’m so conflicted, I have so many mixed feelings, I’m not even sure if I should be blogging this stuff because it doesn’t directly have to do with my eating disorder but then again this blog is about my recovery and health and wellbeing and just about me in general so I can write whatever I want, I don’t know why I’m hesitating, I shouldn’t hesitate, let’s just write.
I broke up with my boyfriend last week. I broke up with my boyfriend because I wasn’t sexually attracted to him and I realized that I’m sexually attracted to girls. And maybe guys too but definitely girls and I’m really scared and I don’t know what that means and I’m super excited and already having fun with it, like lots of fun, but what if I made a huge mistake I mean I really loved **** and I miss him like crazy but I wasn’t getting certain needs met and I guess our relationship just wasn’t meant to be that kind of relationship and what if I my friends think I’m gross and start to distance themselves from me or don’t want to sleep in my bed or change in front of me for fear I might come onto them and what if my parents don’t let me have girls in my room and worst of all what if this turns out to just be a phase and then I’ve come out for no reason and I’ve made a big deal out of nothing and I’ve broken up with my boyfriend over nothing and I’m fucking everything up just when things were starting to go well?
No, you know what, fuck it, this is my life, I’m 18 years old, if this is what I want right now then this is what I want right now and I deserve to explore that.
I’m not saying I’m a lesbian. I don’t know that yet. That label is too limiting.
Those sound more accurate. All I know is I’m not straight.
I wonder if, unconsciously, my eating disorder was a way to hide this from myself. Back in the days of malnutrition and constant mental anguish, I couldn’t feel attracted to anybody. I was cut off from my body, numb to its desires. So there’s no way I could’ve known any of this.
Now, in recovery, I’m discovering who I am.
I think the two, my eating disorder and my sexuality, are more related than I realize. With women, I don’t worry about my body. Women understand each other’s bodies. There’s no expectation of perfection like there is with men. When I’m with women, I’m not conscious of my body or what it looks like. I’m conscious of my spirit and the connection and what I feel like. I don’t feel pressure to change my body or sculpt it in a way that pleases anybody but myself.
But alas, eating disorders are about so much more than just body image.
As I explore my sexuality, I’m sure more connections with my eating disorder will emerge. Or maybe they won’t. Maybe recovery is meant for me to sexually awaken and explore, without understanding why.
A fuck ton of other shit has been going down in my life since my last post. I realized I have severe OCD, but that’s another matter entirely, and thanks to Lamotrigine I think that’s on the up and up.
I may be the victim of a money-laundering scam, in fact I know I’m the victim of a money-laundering scam, so I’ve gotta take care of that sometime this week.
And I just registered for fall classes at NYU so my life is high-key about to start.
But I can’t think about those things right now. Not in this moment. This moment has one purpose: for me to embrace my sexuality in all its fluid, female glory.
It’s okay for me to not be who I once thought I was. And, let’s be real: no one’s totally heterosexual.
That’s none of my business and a tangent I won’t embark on.
I’ll end this post here, with the following conclusion:
This feels good. This feels natural. I feel strong, confident, and in touch with who I am. Before, a piece was missing. Now that piece is found, and soon too will be a different peace.
I need to stop.
Wordplay at 5 o’clock in the morning is never a good idea.
What genius gave me access to a computer, anyway?
Self-control is totally appropriate and necessary in this moment.