The Wheel

Jesus, why am I so anxious today? I’m sitting here in CC’s, at my favorite table by the window, simultaneously absorbing cold brew and the cunning vernacular of Stephen King, but all I can think is, “when will I workout today?”

If I don’t workout now, before my 7-hour shift, will I have energy to workout this evening? Working two jobs is beating my ass, and I still haven’t recharged from my week of camp counseling. 

I can’t eat carbs if I don’t workout, and I’d planned to pack an Ezekiel sandwich for lunch. Ezekiel bread. Flourless bread. Yet I’m scared to eat it if I don’t burn it on a run.

I’m afraid to let my body rest. To nourish it “free of charge.” What if my muscles atrophy? What if I start “pudging out?”

I can’t believe my ears! Not working out one day will not affect my body, unless it’s for the better, and restricting food groups will simply send me back down the rabbit hole I worked so hard to climb out of.

Let go. Release this pressure. Simply stay present and enjoy the day.

I can’t predict how my body will feel when I get off work at 6 o’clock! If I want to unwind with a run, fine. If I’m too drained, so be it! I want to trust that I’ll be able to meet my body’s needs in the moment, but try as I might I can’t get this pressure to exercise off my mind.

The beauty of weight maintenance is that I don’t have to gain weight. I don’t have to lose weight. I don’t have to worry about my body at all. I have total freedom around my exercise and food choices and I don’t have to slave to a rigid routine. But I’ve a foreigner in this free place, and I don’t trust my new body yet. I don’t trust that it will be here if I relinquish control. 

Ok, Bella, life is a mystery! Each moment is an adventure. Lean into that and let go of the planning!

These thoughts are useless. I have bigger fish to fry, like finishing my play! “O Negative” had its second reading last Tuesday at Gulf Coast Playwright, and let me tell you, the feedback was bomb. This is where I should focus my energy. Not on my body weight.

I wonder what will happen if I skip a day of exercise…such a simple concept, yet it consumes my life. 

I wonder what will happen when I get out of my head, hop off the hamster wheel and into the present.

I guess we’ll have to wait and see. 


One thought on “The Wheel

  1. Stay strong! I know you can. Your head and heart know the right thing to do. You are right where you need to be. I am sending my prayers to you. And my love!❤️🌷💐

    Liked by 1 person

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