Serenity

8/10/17:
I swear to God I’ve experienced every single human emotion in the past 24 hours, all at the same time. It all started in nutrition…doesn’t it always start there? Low and behold my weight is low, despite all of my hard work in Italy. It’s like Jesus Christ, will this ever end, will I ever get to a place where I can just be with my body as is? What the hell am I doing wrong, I’m feeding myself, I’m meditating, I’m doing everything right, why the fuck am I so skinny? And the worst part is everyone thinks I’m doing poorly because my weight is low and I am NOT!!! I am not relapsing, I am simply underweight! At this moment, I am not a girl with eating disorder, I am just a girl who is underweight. This is a purely physical issue, my head is in the right place, but people who associate my thinness with my sickness are concerned. And Jan’s like Don’t you DARE put those thoughts into your head, this is your journey, you did great in Italy, and you need to give yourself credit because you deserve it. This isn’t about a number on the scale, this is about loving yourself. She cries, I cry, and I’m simultaneously inspired and discouraged. Sigh. It’s a process. I’m on the right track.
God(?) grant me the serenity to accept the things I can’t control, the courage to change the things I can control, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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