Part 1: Looking Back

I’ve got lots to process but I’m stuck on where to begin. It seems my life has come full circle, and in order to process that I must take a step back.

To begin, we’re hopping back in time to Cherubs, the best/worst summer of my life. Please be advised that this content is triggering, and if you need support, do reach out.

7/18/2016, 1:33 pm:

Just talked to Jan. So I’m 91 lbs and hospitalization is back on the table. And I’m just so fucking happy about that! Restricting makes me feel so damn good. And strong. And powerful. I still myself as the fat girl. I still see myself as the binge-eater. I live in fear of that old relationship with food, and so I live in fear of food. Apparently Mom’s freaked out. Jan made me give her my word that I’ll take the Inositol. Really didn’t want to. I don’t want to turn the committee off! But I just took one tablet.

I love being the skinniest girl. I love being the tiniest girl. I can’t threaten that. This morning in core we did weight-sharing and Hannah, Julia, and Lily were talking about how I literally weigh nothing, but I’m so strong, and Lily said she sometimes watches me when I run and I look like a fairy “prancing.” How am I supposed to gain weight after hearing that?

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I have another hour free. I think I’ll watch the Office and eat some pumpkin seeds and then go to Text Analysis. I won’t be mad at myself if my weight stays below 95. Take some pressure off. Tech tonight. Truth today. Talking about action/intention. My ED really did distract me this morning. I really don’t wanna eat pumpkin seeds right now. But should I? Damn. Ok, if I do this then I can release the pressure to eat dinner. Jan says I need carbs. No fucking way. K wants to help me. No fucking way. That’s embarrassing.
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7/19/2016:

I have no choice but to cooperate now. If it were longer, I would leave. But if I humor them and relinquish control to S, K, and L for less than two weeks, I can lose any (weight) that I gain. I think it’s a bit brash of L to force weight gain upon me. And for them to be the food police. I hate the twice-daily-mandatory-protein-shake thing. But if I find a way to navigate it so that’s all I’m eating, then I can still feel comfortable. I’m just scared of being full. Still need to call Mimi. Cat wants to talk, too. And Lisa. And I considered reaching out to Blake. Just don’t know what to say. To anyone. I also gave my word to L, S,  Mom, and Jan that I’d take the Inositol. I guess I’ll just do it. One and a half more weeks of this hell and then I can go back to restricting! This is as close to in-patient as I’m gonna get. This relinquish of control. Not only am I forced to drink the shakes, but I can’t even watch them being made. I can’t gain weight! I can’t get a belly! The extent of any conscious weight-gain I do this summer stays  here, in this program. Only 2 more weeks. CAN’T gain more than 1-3 lbs.

I’ve gotten lots of compliments on last night’s performance, though :).

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L thinks I’m weak. She says we’re at a turning point, a red flag. L and S were going to ask my parents to come up sooner but were pleased to hear they’d be here Tuesday. S went to Whole Foods to get my shake supplies. Worried they’re gonna think the shake is an addition to the meal. Shake IS the meal. Oh, L did say that my core teachers and director said I’m giving 100%, which is a relief. I wonder what they know?

I’ve also had some of that old chest sensitivity. Mostly yesterday. And I’m having constant acid reflux. But I don’t want to take digestive enzymes because I don’t want them to, as Robert put it, “make me hungrier.” Yesterday morning Robert sent me an adorable video of Kiki. It’s his way of expressing care/concern. Mom must have told him about my weight. Dad texted me yesterday asking how I was doing. I didn’t answer.

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L said my confusion is a sign that my brain isn’t getting enough fuel. Because I’m “such a smart girl.” We had that call in a stuffy, single dorm room (211) that no one’s using. S and I sat on the bare mattress. L sat on the desk chair. K wasn’t there cuz she was teaching. But she passed me in the hallway on her way downstairs and touched me affectionately. I haven’t seen any of them sense. J said K was worried about me. I HATE that they are watching–scrutinizing–policing what I eat. The talk today with S and L gave me de ja vu to the talk with B and H back in October. And the phone call with Mom, B, and J in January. How long has it been since that first talk? October–July: 9 months. Huh. I wonder where I’ll be in October.

I wonder what my teachers are expecting of me. H’s and my relationship is permanently changed. She never followed up with me about Funny Girl. I texted Em this morning and told her I’m in trouble and just gave her a tidbit. Thing is, I WANT to struggle. I want to restrict. I want to lose weight. I’m dreading these protein shakes. I just want to go home, or to Rye, and live a relaxed life of enjoyment–reading plays, running, and restricting. Nice relaxed DAYTIME socialization. Yesterday, I felt small and weak. Today I feel massive, energized, and healthy–but an uncomfortable kind of healthy. The “normal” I always feel the first day I “get back on track.” I don’t know why everyone’s so worried about me. Nothing’s wrong. Some people might call that denial. It’s not.

Do I overcorrect because of my fear of gaining weight? That must be how I got here.

Wish I could tell you more about THE PROGRAM, but I’m so encompassed by this. Fuckers.

I need to give Alicia some love. That fake cough REALLY hurt my voice last night. I just poured a double–maybe even triple–serving of pumpkin seeds for rehearsal tonight. Now I’m going to take some Inositol–sticking to my word here–so I don’t dump any out. Which I desperately want to do. Just a few. Ok I caved and put a few back in the bag. Dammit! Nah. It’s good. I should really put them all back. Ok, they’re just an emergency snack. In case I’m like struggling to walk back to the dorm. 8 or 9 o’clock is the best time for these.

Oh, and have I mentioned that since I’ve been here I’ve been consistently peeing with the stall door open? The possibility that someone might enter pressures me to speed up. #personalgrowth!

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I really thought I could sustain this. I really thought this was a lifestyle. Reading and rereading this, I keep coming back to the following line: “I wonder where I’ll be in October.” October was the month I went into treatment. So I guess we know how my plan worked out.

 


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