Healthy Introspection

I just moved into college and I’m feeling lots of feels. I’m sure many of you can relate. I’m distracting myself by staying busy, but I can’t deny the discomfort gnawing at me from within. Historically, I would numb out that discomfort by restricting my food intake and compulsively exercising. But a key to recovery is finding healthy coping skills and embracing your emotions. 

The journal entry below is a snapshot of healthy coping and a testament to my progress in recovery. If you are in recovery or you’re a college freshman, perhaps you can find solace here. 

To give a little context: I do a kind of therapy called AIT (Advanced Integrative Therapy) relating to the energy we carry in our centers. We have 11 meridian pathways, or chakras, each of which holds certain kinds of energy. They are the Crown, Forehead, Chin, Throat, Center Heart, Left Heart, Right Heart, Solar Plexus, Belly, Pelvis, Left Crease, Right Crease, & Root. In AIT, I muscle test certain truths to discover what I should clear from my system.

Let’s say I muscle test the statement, “I don’t deserve to be healed.” If I get a positive response, I can then treat it by placing my stationary hand on the chakra that holds it, likely the Center Heart. Next I place my free hand on my Crown, say the statement aloud, and hold for a few breaths. Then I move my free hand to my Forehead and repeat the process. I do this for each chakra until the energy has cleared. I can muscle test how strong a statement is on a scale from 1-10, as well as which chakra contains it. In the entry below, I clear energy from my Center Heart. 

September 1, 2017:
I’m feeling some depression today. I haven’t been able to reflect since I’ve been here and there’s a lot floating around in my subconscious and unconscious. My teeth hurt. My back molars hurt. I must be grinding in my sleep. Sounds like subconscious anxiety.

There’s so much going on here! All my mixed feelings that I can’t begin to fathom and am thus suppressing…etc. I had my first therapy session yesterday and my therapist agreed we have some work to do. I had my first weigh-in this morning, too. My roommate weighed me at the gym and sent a photo to my nutritionist. I can tell it was good. She told me to keep up my intuitive eating with a red heart exclamation point❣️.
My therapist and I also muscle-tested that I’m doing everything I need to do to take care of myself nutritionally and that my weight is restoring. I’ve noticed positive changes, for sure. I feel good and comfortable about that. I love my body, even on bad body image days. I love my body. It’s important for me to remember what my body went through–what I put it through–and that because of that, it deserves to be listened to, forgiven, and treated as a queen always. 

I’m infusing patience and presence right now. Patience because there is so much happening all around me and I’m bursting at the seams with ideas and there’s so much I want to do and sometimes I catch myself going into urgent/manic mode.

I keep feeling this sadness in my center heart and I don’t know what it’s about. I feel a barricade in my shoulders keeping my conscious from accessing some of my emotions.
I know it’s counterintuitive, but I think I might be sad that I’m okay on my own. I’m sad that I’m not missing people and not feeling lost in the way one would expect of someone close to her community. Maybe I feel like I’m missing out by not feeling the pain, fear, and confusion that others are feeling. Or maybe I’m just numb. 

I just discovered what I need to treat: “All my suppressed, unconscious sadness about leaving home” (Center Heart, 10). 

.     .     .     .     .

Ok, so treating that was really good for me. It started to chip away at the surface of what’s really going on, and now I’m having acid reflux.

A little bit of sadness came up in the beginning–sadness when I thought of my little sister–but it was hard to stay in that sadness. I realized it’s a deeper fear and denial of the changing family dynamic. 

Interesting how I haven’t responded to a single one of Dad’s texts since I’ve been here…there’s a trio of white “how’s it going?” text bubbles in our thread with no blue to back it up. And I’ve only responded to Mom’s texts about the dogs and her new convertible–only things relating to our shared life in Nola. I haven’t responded to most of her questions about my lifestyle or given her any details about NYU: didn’t tell her about my cardio kickboxing class, or about my advising session, or about my plan to visit the suburbs this weekend, or about my job interview at News Bar–all things I considered telling her about as they happened.
I’m independent and capable and thus my lack of communication with them doesn’t hinder my lifestyle, but I think my distance is really a denial of a life without them. By sharing my New York adventures with them, I make our separation real. And I guess I’m not ready to do that yet.
(Here come the emotions! Here come the tears! I thought I’d lost my feelings for a second.)
Yeah…I’ve been in total denial about leaving my parents since the beginning. Mom kinda kept stalking me during orientation and I skipped out on an emotional goodbye with her because I couldn’t handle it. It was more like a “see you later.” In fact, it was a “see you later.” She was under the impression that she would see me later that day, after orientation, and I just let her (and kind of myself) think that to avoid the pain: namely, her tears. I hate to see her hurt. It shows all over her face and hurts me to watch. I didn’t want that to interfere with my new experience so I skipped out on a milestone.
(Ouch. That just stirred something up. And back down it goes!! To deal with on another day…)
I feel like I didn’t do this right. And that really was it, because I’m not coming back. I thought I was, for fall break, but I got the dates wrong and haven’t told them yet. So much denial, my lord! That’s pretty unusual for me these days. But at least I’m chipping away at it, right? Baby steps, Bella. Baby steps.

Ok, well, this was a really productive entry and I feel so much better and aware and I know where my work is. 

In closing, I would like to say that the opinions expressed here are strictly my own and may not resonate with everyone. Take what you like and leave the rest. If this post spoke to you, I invite you to share it, as these messages are for all.


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