Thoughts and urges do come up; that’s what recovery is. In treatment, we practiced a skill called “urge-surfing,” also known as “riding the wave.” The goal is to be with the urges: tune in, give them their space, and finally, let them go. That’s what I’m doing this morning. Enjoy.
I’m having eating disordered thoughts right now. I really haven’t had these in a while!!
I ate to a very uncomfortable fullness level last night which spawned feelings of guilt, restriction urges, and body dysmorphia (mostly in my stomach). I just bought a gluten free vegetable wrap at Peet’s and I’m scared to eat it because the wrap is flour-based (a simple carb), and since there’s no protein I’m worried it won’t keep me full, forcing me to eat more.
I’m going to call Sofia.
Yep. Sofia’s the real MVP. She said it’s normal to overeat every once in a while and that in this case it’s a good thing. If I were doing it every day it’d be a different story, but that’s not the case: I would never let that happen.
I feel like today might be a gym day…
I guess this is intuitive eating.
The body wants to maintain stasis. If you overeat, you exercise a bit, and your body returns to normal, back to that “set point” Jan talks about. That’s exactly what mine’s going to do! Freaking out, stopping life, wallowing in the discomfort–that’s how you lose control.
(Before I set myself up for failure, let’s say for the record that it’s perfectly fine for me not to go to the gym. I don’t want to wind up with more guilt on my hands.)
Sof also said it’s okay that I’m not gaining weight right now, because I’ve set that as a goal and my mindset has completely changed. I’ll talk to Jan in our next session about where, realistically, I should be. In the meantime, I’m having some “menstrual symptoms” (sorry boys), and I’m doing all the right things. Plus, after my last weigh-in, Jan said she’d get back to me with her schedule, so she must not be concerned.
The main reason I freaked out last night was because I kind of ate the salad in an obsessive-compulsive way, like, I had to finish it because it was in front of me, even though I was full, but I think it had to do with my two-digit body weight being salient in my mind. Whatever the reason was, I forgive myself. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes and one night does not define me. Plus, I handled it like a boss. Rather than getting in bed to stew in the discomfort and surrendering to the godforsaken food coma, I took the stairs down to the lobby and walked to Union Square where I had an awesome 90-minute convo with Dad: the first time we’ve talked since I’ve been here.
That’s what life is about: connection with others. Not food and fullness and body weight. We eat to live; we don’t live to eat.
I’m glad I’m realizing that and putting my new skills to test.
I’m growing and thriving.
Above: riding the waves on the Amalfi Coast, August 2017.