Why is “you’re perfect” driving me crazy? That’s obviously the best case scenario, right? But does “you’re perfect” mean “you’re literally perfect, like you’re back in your weight range,” or does it mean, “you’re close, you maintained, you didn’t lose, etc.” ?
Below is what I sent to Jan on Saturday morning:
“Hi! I’m getting a weight today or tomorrow. I’ve been eating a lot (my appetite and metabolism have been super high, probably just from the activity) and going to yoga and am feeling much stronger. I also went to a concert last night and ate pizza totally effortlessly. It was $15, but whatever…Based on what I’ve been doing, my weight should have gone up. Catherine and I also muscle tested that I’m close to my goal. But I’m honestly so terrified to step on the scale!!! I’m so scared that it could’ve stayed the same or gone down.”
Jan: “Please just relax. Your weight is not a crisis. Just relax. BREATHE”
After the weigh-in, I received this: “You’re perfect.”
….What does that mean???
I just texted her saying, “I feel good. I feel strong. Would you say I’m in a good range?”
Here’s the thing: I need to know this.
I don’t want to start telling myself I’m perfect and then have to gain more weight.
I don’t want to start falling in love with a body that’s just going to change again.
Because I really love this body.
It’s rock solid.
But even these changes–the new muscle mass I’ve acquired in the past few weeks–are freaking me out because…they’re changes. And even though they’re good changes and I’ve been waiting for them, they’re an adjustment, and they’re bringing up all kinds of stupid thoughts, like, “Am I fat?”
Which is obviously ridiculous.
I know I’m not fat.
I look great.
But if I don’t vocalize that thought, it will just float around in the back of my head, preying on my vulnerability, so…I’m doing what I gotta do.
As much as I want to be healthy (lets face it, perfect does not exist), there are lot of scary responsibilities that come with that. Like, maintenance. I’ve been eating so freely and frequently lately, but I’m scared that I’ve only allowed myself to do so because I knew I had weight to gain. On one hand, I’m scared of returning to restricting, but on the other, I’m scared to keep eating like I have been and perpetually gaining weight.
Now, that’s definitely not gonna happen; the whole idea is that by feeding my body, my weight will restore and maintain on its own.
Just give your body what it needs, Bella. It knows what to do with it.
I’m really loving being recovered. More than ever. I love drinking almond milk lattes. I love eating sandwiches on bread. I love going to concerts with friends and trusting I’ll be able to eat what’s there.
Bella, just let it go. Let yourself go.
Give your body permission to do whatever it wants.
Now, be careful: this is not an opportunity to lose weight. Trust me, your body does not want to do that. Like Jan said, you’re perfect. You really are. Your weight is not a crisis. It probably is safe to stay where you are, at the bare minimum. But not if you do it carefully. You can’t go back to monitoring every single thing you eat so as not to gain any weight. Keep eating freely, keep going out with friends. Eat ice cream if you want it. Have midnight snacks if you need them. Keep doing yoga! If you gain weight, it’s okay. It just means you’re getting stronger.
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