Vaginas

Am I “less gay” because I came out “late” in adolescence?

Of course not.

But I feel that I’m received that way. 

Yesterday I was walking down the street and I decided to call a family member. At the end of our phone call, out of the blue, they asked that I not “close the doors” on my sexuality because I “have no idea” what it could become. 

I stopped walking.

I was stunned.

And I realized, they’re not hearing me. My family, I mean.

I didn’t know who I was growing up. I wasn’t one of those kids who “knew” the moment they were born, or the moment they stepped in the classroom, etc. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 17. When I look back now, there were definitely signs, or rather, thoughts and feelings I had back then are now accounted for. But that’s beside the point. I don’t have to justify. I knew when I knew. And I know that I know. 

I don’t choose to get flutters in my stomach and tension in my pants when I see an attractive woman, or to love to shower with women, be naked with women, kiss women, and touch women; no more than I choose to feel repulsed by the idea of kissing a man and painfully uncomfortable in the presence of a penis. 

What I’m combating here is the possibility that this might be a “phase.” 
I’m telling you it’s not.

My Body is talking to me.
And It’s telling me it’s not. 

I could ignore my Body.
Easy.
Lord knows I’ve done it before.

I’m hungry.
No you’re not.
I’m starving.
No you’re not.
I’m dying
No you’re not. 

I’m gay.
No you’re not.

What’s the difference?

My Body finally trusts me with this aspect of my identity. How can I, in good conscience, possibly ignore it?

To reject my sexuality is to reject my Body.
To reject my Body is to relapse.

I still struggle to accept my Body. To inhabit it in its natural form. My Fully Functioning Body rich with Estrogen and Libido represents my life devoid of Anorexia. 
I really miss my Eating Disorder.

I really.
miss.
my eating disorder.I see it so clearly: the life where I still have it.
It will always be an option for me,
And some days that’s all I have. 

On another note, it’s still really easy for me to get triggered. I get triggered more often than I realize, and when people come to me for help themselves it’s difficult to know what to say. I’m fairly open about my struggles, and I’m happy and hopeful to reach other people, but at the same time, I’m not ready to have unsolicited conversations about it. I can, if there’s a mutual understanding, I’ve been asked permission, and I’m in a good place. But I can’t all the time. There’s no telling what thoughts I might be having on any given day, so please be sensitive if you want to bring it up. I wish I could be a constant resource, but at the end of the day, I’m not a therapist; I’m a physically healthy girl mourning the loss of her own illness.

Anyway.
Let’s get back to Sex.

I like to think my sexuality is my Eating Disorder’s parting gift.
I made a trade (a pretty sweet trade at that).
Thank you, Eating Disorder, for giving me this. I can release you now.
Not so easy.  But I’m trying.

I am a lesbian.

I  a  m  a  L E S B I A N !

I just looooooveSINGING those words!

I a m a l e s b i a n I a m l e s b i a n I a m a l e s b i a n I a m a l e s b i a n I a m l e s b i a n I a m a l e s b i a n I a m a l e s b i a n I a m l e s b i a n I a m a l e s b i a n I a m a l e s b i a n I a m l e s b i a n I a m a l e s b i a n I a m a l e s b i a n I a m l e s b i a n I a m a l e s b i a n I a m a l e s b i a n I a m l e s b i a n I a m a l e s b i a n I a m a l e s b i a n I a m l e s b i a n I a m a l e s b i a n I a m a l e s b i a n I a m l e s b i a n I a m a l e s b i a n 

I could go for hours.
So Empowering.
So RIGHT.
So BELLA!

I feel connected to myself and to the Universe when I say that.
So to hear people I love say, “Don’t be too sure,” or, “Maybe you just haven’t found the right one yet,” or, “I just always saw you as the type to get swept off her feet” (’cause apparently you can’t get “swept” by a woman) really hurts.
It straight up fucking hurts.

So this is where I am today.
Today this is my truth.
Today, I welcome the pain I am feeling, and I trust that this will allow me to heal.

–Bella Florence
1.29.18

2 thoughts on “Vaginas

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  1. There’s no such thing as a right age to come out, 19 or 40, every experience is unique. So proud of your power and confidence, it will undoubtedly inspire many others. Keep up the good fight! -ole stats teacher

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