A Check-in with my Mind

Dear Mind,

I…I love you, I do, you make who I am, but…god, why is it so hard for me to stay that? To say that I love you? I do, I know; I must. But you cause me so much trouble. You cause so much distress. Just now you triggered the beast! You woke good ol’ ED up from his nap. I was hit with a wave of inspiration this morning which triggered a state of mania, and as hard as I tried to come out of my urgent state before lunch, I couldn’t; thus two evils did collide.

Food and mania do not belong in the same environment. It’s not that I overate, but in the midst of my excitement I ate really really mindlessly, really really fast, taking really big bites, and I pushed past a comfortable level of fullness (to use treatment terms, I pushed from a comfortable 8 to an uncomfortable 9). Quickly came the shit storm: the flood of guilt, shame, fear, self-loathing, hopelessness; the irrational fear that I’ll gain ten pounds. The food itself didn’t cause these feelings. It was the way I ate the food. I ate while my manic mind was in the driver’s seat which made me feel out of control. 

How, oh my god, how do I reconcile this, how do I stay afloat, how I do not try to fix this with a long run or a skipped dinner, how do I please, how do I, don’t let me relapse, oh my god, this sucks, this is ridiculous, I want out of this, Mind, I want out of this MIND!

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have you, Mind. Sometimes I wish for a different mind. A tamer mind, calmer mind. But no, you are my Mind. And it’s true, you do have powers; from you the ideas flow. Ooooh the dichotomy. But alas…Conflict makes good drama. 

Ok look, Mind: it may be April, but we need a resolution–a spring resolution, got it? From here on out, we are on the same page. We need meet each other half way, or at least commit to trying. I’m not quite sure how this will look, but step one is to call awareness to what is happening (which we’ve done). From here, we’ll use it as a wakeup call and work to move past it.

AGJKNOIN:N:INGRUIBIUNLE:DKOKEPNQILNCOINWFIMWLFM:OQMD:MEJNIOFNOIW Okay Mind….We’re…ugh. We’re done for now.
Bella

And now, an affirmation…to comfort and self-soothe:

Dear Bella:

Even though you lapsed a bit and lost a little control, you are worthy of love and light. I still love and accept you fully and I forgive you for your actions. I give you permission to embrace yourself fully and move forward on your journey.

I give you permission to Let this go.

Sincerely,
Higher Self

.
.
.

It’s not going.

Okay.

That’s fine.

Be patient, right?

If this is where I am today, this is where I am today.
This is where I am today and that is enough.

……………………..

I have faith that we are on the right track. I have faith that we are on the right track. I have faith that we are on the right track. I have faith that we are on the right track. I have faith that we are on the right track. I have faith that we are on the right track. I have faith that we are on the right track. I have faith that we are on the right track. I have faith that we are on the right track. I have faith that we are on the right track. I have faith that we are on the right track. I have faith that we are on the right track. I have faith that we are on the right track. I have faith that we are on the right track. I have faith that we are on the right track. I have faith that we are on the right track. I have faith that we are on the right track. 

6 thoughts on “A Check-in with my Mind

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  1. Dear DR,
    You ARE on the right track: stuff happens and as a result of that you took a step back into old patterns. BUT:
    – you ARE AWARE how inspiration turned into mania
    – you ARE AWARE how mania triggered you into repeating patterns
    – you might have gone ‘out of your body’ while eating but you CAME RIGHT BACK after
    – you ARE able to feel the effect it had on you.
    – you ARE able to put words to the effect
    – you ARE able to write these down and express yourself
    – you ARE aware that your patterns are looking for ways to ‘compensate’ this, maybe punish yourself.
    – you ARE able to look for comfort in doing so instead of going into isolation
    – you do that IMMEDIATELY and not 4 or 5 days after
    – you ARE aware of all of that. That is what you have learned despite all the difficulties that you have been going through. THAT IS AMAZING! 🙂

    I come from another corner in the addiction world but I know one solution for if things spin out of control: babysteps. Whatever it takes for you to go back to a comfortable state of being is what it takes. Well, ghegheghe, apart from the action out. 😉 But you got that.

    Wishing you a wonderful Easter weekend. It is about rebirth. 🙂

    Sending hugs,

    xx, Feeling

  2. B well expressed.please don’t be so hard on yourself! You are a work in progress learning everyday and doing very well! Love! Mimi

    1. Hello Feeling! Thank you for your note. I’ve been away from my thoughts for a while, kind of afraid to write. Afraid I have nothing worthwhile to say! But I’m trying to pull myself out of that funk and get back to it. It means a lot to me that you reached out. I know that somebody’s listening!

      1. Good to hear from you. You do what feels good to you. No need to hurry. 🙂
        I’m currently hesitantly looking at my own food issues. I got caught up in serious self-dislike after reading a book on self love. Then I thought I could get away from all of that, shut my eyes to it and continue with a book on eating disorders. No, don’t laugh, you probably know what is coming, not? Well, page 1: love thyself. 🙂 🙂 🙂 Guess there is no escape. On we go. 🙂
        Sending hugs,
        xx, Feeling

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