Surrendering and Finding Love

  1. I admitted I was powerless over my sexuality, that suppressing it had made my life unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of this power of my understanding.
  4. Surrendered, and in turn found love.

She appeared out of nowhere, and when she appeared, something inside me cracked open.

She appeared out of nowhere, and after some time, it was safe to say that I loved her.

It was safe to communicate in other ways, too. It was safe to express my needs.

I did so last weekend, on a brown paper napkin, and together we agreed you can read it. For sake of anonymity, though I’d like to scream her name, I shall refer to her as “You.”

February 23, 2019

Dear You…the miraculous, am-az-ing, stup-en-dously beautiful You:

Let me start by saying that I understand. I understand all you expressed in your last letter. I myself struggle with attachment issues, which I have come to define as codependency. I use the word “struggle” carefully, because while it is true that I’m challenged by this “disease” as one may call it – as I myself call it – as I feel and believe that it is – , I consciously choose to operate from the opposite space.

In my illness, I operate from fear, and this fills my interactions with insecure, codependent thoughts, then causing me live for another person. In my recovery, I keep the focus on myself, and love comes in result. That’s what happened with you, You. I practiced healthy boundaries, I commited to myself, and magically, you appeared.

Your presence emerged from love. Our relationship emerged from love. There is no reason for it to shift into fear now. We can each maintain our own healthy boundaries and yet fall madly in love with each other. We can be safely together, and we can be safely apart.

The closer I get with a person, the more attached I get; and the more attached I get, the more insecure I get.

Hello there, Universe:
I am talking to You-Know-Who now, and it is in your presence that I say to her – to both of you – that I want a healthy relationship.
I want space, I want boundaries, and yet I want intimacy and love. The presence of love gives us all of that, and I am open and willing to receive it.

Oh Universe, Sweet Universe, you who have brought our souls together, I ask you to protect us. I ask you to guide us and protect us, to let us laugh, to let us sing, and to let us sit comfortably in silence. Allow us to have our own space, allow us to use our own talents, allow us to support one another lovingly as we each fulfill our purpose. This love has something magical about it, and by surrendering fear and control, we can reap the fruits it manifests.

I’ve been scared to tell you, You – my codependency has made me scared – that I need space, my own space, at times; that having time alone to reflect with my own Higher Power is vital for me.

My deepest fear is compromising this upon entering a new relationship, abandoning myself, as I have done before, simply because I cannot find the strength to voice my needs.

But no longer. I have the power, I have the choice, to speak truthfully for myself, and it is when I am truthful that I am open to love.

I’ve been having shoulder pain these past few days, and I think the cause is spiritual: spiritual growing pains for my spiritual growing. I am growing spiritually by consciously opting out of codependency with you.

I have not known you long yet, but my heart brims with acceptance and love, as well as strong identification with the energy your emit.

My mission is to bring more love into this world: to spread it around for all to partake in. Love shared is love double – so I am sharing love with you.

If you love yourself, and I love myself, imagine the ripples we can create. Imagine the loving, energetic vibrations we can spill into this world.

All for love now! All for love. Together we’re creating an army of love.

The next day, we said I love you. We did so on brown paper napkins. And now, we invite you in to celebrate.

In closing, I would like to say that the opinions expressed here are entirely my own and may not resonate with everyone; take what you like and leave the rest. If you liked what you read here, I invite you to share it, as these messages are for all.

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