Weighed to Perfection

“You’re perfect.” Fuck! Why is “you’re perfect” driving me crazy? That’s obviously the best case scenario, right? But does “you’re perfect” mean “you’re literally perfect, like you’re back in your weight range,” or does it mean, “you’re close, you maintained, you didn’t lose, etc.” ?  Below is what I sent to Jan on Saturday morning: … More Weighed to Perfection

Sobriety

Last week I had the honor of celebrating 33 years of sobriety with my dear family friend, who shall remain anonymous. I joined him at his meeting and heard him and the other honorees speak. Much of what I heard resonated with me, as while we have different vices, their origins are the same. My … More Sobriety

Ride the Wave

Thoughts and urges do come up; that’s what recovery is. In treatment, we practiced a skill called “urge-surfing,” also known as “riding the wave.” The goal is to be with the urges: tune in, give them their space, and finally, let them go. That’s what I’m doing this morning. Enjoy. 9/20/17: I’m having eating disordered thoughts right now. … More Ride the Wave

Healthy Introspection

I just moved into college and I’m feeling lots of feels. I’m sure many of you can relate. I’m distracting myself by staying busy, but I can’t deny the discomfort gnawing at me from within. Historically, I would numb out that discomfort by restricting my food intake and compulsively exercising. But a key to recovery is … More Healthy Introspection

Looking Back

I love being the skinniest girl. I love being the tiniest girl. I can’t threaten that. This morning in core we did weight-sharing and Hannah, Julia, and Lily were talking about how I literally weigh nothing, but I’m so strong, and Lily said she sometimes watches me when I run and I look like a fairy “prancing.” How am I supposed to gain weight after hearing that? … More Looking Back

Serenity

8/10/17: I swear to God I’ve experienced every single human emotion in the past 24 hours, all at the same time. It all started in nutrition…doesn’t it always start there? Low and behold my weight is low, despite all of my hard work in Italy. It’s like Jesus Christ, will this ever end, will I … More Serenity

Don’t judge me my needs are just different than yours!!!

I just realized something. Unconsciously, my eating disorder & weight manipulation are ways to show I’m hurting. The blog is a great substitute because it publicizes my shit without compromising my physical health. I know I sound like an attention whore, but I’m just being honest. It would be worse if I denied it. As I write, … More Don’t judge me my needs are just different than yours!!!

Open Letters from a Rough Week

To me, osteoporosis and amenorrhea are my battle scars, the remains of my anorexia, an illness which I have recovered from. The wound has healed and these are the scars. I put my body through hell for two years straight; it’d be naive to think I’d emerge from that unscathed. Look, in a way, it’s good there’s some permanent damage; it’ll teach me not to dance with the devil again. … More Open Letters from a Rough Week

The Wheel

Jesus, why am I so anxious today? I’m sitting here in CC’s, at my favorite table by the window, simultaneously absorbing cold brew and the cunning vernacular of Stephen King, but all I can think is, “when will I workout today?” If I don’t workout now, before my 7-hour shift, will I have energy to … More The Wheel