It’s been weeks since I’ve allowed myself to write. More than that. About myself, that is. Now that I’m healthy my words lack meaning. Who wants to hear about how great my life is going? Good art never came from happy people! (No offense to happy artists. Hey, I’m one of them now.) I’m writing … More Turkey Day
Most of my posts these days are quite recovery-oriented, but I want to raise awareness for the uglier parts of the process. In honor Halloween (yeah yeah, I’m one week late, I know), I’m throwing it back to my Halloween in residential treatment. Below is where I was and how I felt that day: October … More Trick or Treat!
“You’re perfect.” Fuck! Why is “you’re perfect” driving me crazy? That’s obviously the best case scenario, right? But does “you’re perfect” mean “you’re literally perfect, like you’re back in your weight range,” or does it mean, “you’re close, you maintained, you didn’t lose, etc.” ? Below is what I sent to Jan on Saturday morning: … More Weighed to Perfection
Last week I had the honor of celebrating 33 years of sobriety with my dear family friend, who shall remain anonymous. I joined him at his meeting and heard him and the other honorees speak. Much of what I heard resonated with me, as while we have different vices, their origins are the same. My … More Sobriety
Thoughts and urges do come up; that’s what recovery is. In treatment, we practiced a skill called “urge-surfing,” also known as “riding the wave.” The goal is to be with the urges: tune in, give them their space, and finally, let them go. That’s what I’m doing this morning. Enjoy. 9/20/17: I’m having eating disordered thoughts right now. … More Ride the Wave
I’m a white girl and I have white privilege. And that privilege is really bad. I’ve long been aware of the racial inequality in our country: how could I not? I live here. But while it upsets, me I’ve hesitated to speak out for fear of misusing language, “tokenizing” people victimized by the system, or … More Privilege I Don’t Deserve
I just moved into college and I’m feeling lots of feels. I’m sure many of you can relate. I’m distracting myself by staying busy, but I can’t deny the discomfort gnawing at me from within. Historically, I would numb out that discomfort by restricting my food intake and compulsively exercising. But a key to recovery is … More Healthy Introspection
I love being the skinniest girl. I love being the tiniest girl. I can’t threaten that. This morning in core we did weight-sharing and Hannah, Julia, and Lily were talking about how I literally weigh nothing, but I’m so strong, and Lily said she sometimes watches me when I run and I look like a fairy “prancing.” How am I supposed to gain weight after hearing that? … More Looking Back
8/10/17: I swear to God I’ve experienced every single human emotion in the past 24 hours, all at the same time. It all started in nutrition…doesn’t it always start there? Low and behold my weight is low, despite all of my hard work in Italy. It’s like Jesus Christ, will this ever end, will I … More Serenity
I just realized something. Unconsciously, my eating disorder & weight manipulation are ways to show I’m hurting. The blog is a great substitute because it publicizes my shit without compromising my physical health. I know I sound like an attention whore, but I’m just being honest. It would be worse if I denied it. As I write, … More Don’t judge me my needs are just different than yours!!!