How did I wind up with thoughts and values that aren't my own? Why do I question when people tell me I'm beautiful? When people tell me I'm worthy of love? Why do I believe that my happiness is determined by a number on a scale, or the width of my waistline? Why do I... Continue Reading →
For the past 3 years, I have been “out and proud” about my relationship with anorexia. But there’s another part of my disease that I’ve been less “out” about - food addiction. I have struggled with food addiction since before I turned one year old. I probably "came out" about my anorexia first because it... Continue Reading →
The Healing Power of Imagination https://soundcloud.com/user-486908167/open-letter-to-corona-march-2020 Click here to listen on SoundCloud March 22nd, 2020New Orleans, LA As I type, it is 79 degrees in sunny New Orleans. I'm lying on the porch of my childhood home, left leg in pigeon pose, surgical mask and nitrile gloves shielding my skin, in case I carry the... Continue Reading →
An Academic Perspective on Eating Disorders - April 2017 When considering eating disorders, the obvious cause is vanity: an insecure teenager girl peruses Cosmopolitan and starves herself to look like the model on the cover. More often than not, however, an eating disorder is a coping skill for deeper pain. Focusing on one’s exterior distracts... Continue Reading →
Every night before I went to bed, I’d plan when to work out the next day, and every morning when I woke up, it was the first thing I thought of. If the treadmill became hard to access, or if I hadn’t had my workout yet, I’d be touchy, agitated, bristly, and hard to talk to. I was like an alcoholic, but rather than needing a drink, I needed the treadmill.
You are what you eat. I want to eat lesbians. I want to taste the rainbow, to eat sexual skittles. I want to be gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, forever. But what if I'm not? What if I'm bi? I have no doubt that my lesbian identity was truthful, but what if I've outgrown it? What if it's too rigid for the person I am now - the whole, expansive person I am now?
Among other definitions, anorexia is a disease of the relationship between the mind and body. It erodes trust between the two, hindering our ability to accurately recognize, interpret, and honor our body's messages. To recover is to restore this relationship.
When we choose recovery, we choose a new way of living. We choose new ways of harnessing our energy, replacing hurtful tactics with helpful ones. We look at the qualities our addictions monopolized - determination, persistence, drive - and we channel them into new outlets. I chose writing. Writing keeps me healthy as a horse.... Continue Reading →
Anorexia is a sneaky disease. It will take you, and it will own you. It will erode your self-trust. It will erode your self-esteem. It will erode your sanity. It will twist the words of those around you, turning wisdom into toxicity. Have you heard the saying, Less is more? If you speak the English... Continue Reading →