What I Lost

My relationship with my eating disorder is complex to say the least. I often glamorize my eating disorder, romanticizing the "power" it gave me. But I've given it too much credit. It's time to talk about what I've lost. It ravaged all of my relationships and took me out of the moment. I was trapped in a haze of exercise and restriction, and my personality couldn't come out.

On Your Mark, Get Set, BOLT!

Recovering from my eating disorder required - and still requires - a good PI: the Private Investigator I like to call Personal Inventory. For me, recovery transcends abstinence; abstinence is just one piece of the pie. I can abstain from dieting and restricting and still have disordered thoughts. For me, recovery transcends abstinence. Recovery addresses... Continue Reading →

Allow Me To Assist

It's astonishing how a simple statement like "Prepping for an interview can be a great opportunity to take personal inventory" can be the speech of an eating disorder. Going out of my way to justify how this post will relate to my recovery before giving it a chance to speak for itself, and doing so in the form of a blanket statement which takes the focus off myself, is the disease, not the recovery. It's an act of self-protection so subtle I almost didn't catch it. But, the act of identifying it and exposing here brings me back to recovery.

Happy New Year, I Burned a Book

While my goals and aspirations no longer pertain to weight loss, they still risk setting me up for failure. That said, I’m wary of setting them now. But I’m also working on balance, and I’ve come to realize that the key ingredient is intention. Intention is the difference between structure and rigidity, between spontaneity and impulsivity. So that’s what I’ll focus this post on: intention. My current, salient intentions which just happen to coincide with the start of the new year. 

You Dunk Me, I am Your Doughnut

I'm currently enrolled in a college course which explores the role of play in human development, in healing from trauma, and in the making of performance art. Each week has a focus: for instance, puppetry. Several weeks ago we read Philip Pullman's The Golden Compass and were asked to create a puppet that represented our "daemon," or... Continue Reading →

Just Before Dawn

In her talk, Gabby mentions that “the other person is you.” It’s a yogic concept, one I’ve heard before, though it never resonated in the past. But now I understand it. I identified to hate in this man precisely what I hate in myself. I projected onto him what I fear I exhibit to the rest of the world, which in doing so, I did exhibit. I manifested my greatest fear. 

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