You are what you eat. I want to eat lesbians. I want to taste the rainbow, to eat sexual skittles. I want to be gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, forever. But what if I'm not? What if I'm bi? I have no doubt that my lesbian identity was truthful, but what if I've outgrown it? What if it's too rigid for the person I am now - the whole, expansive person I am now?
I am learning to love myself and take ownership of my happiness and health. I'm beginning to realize that I'm more than my external motivators: more than my accomplishments, more than my activities, more than exercise, and more than food.
Food is a part of my narrative - that I can't deny -but my journey with it has shaped me for the better. Had I not gone through my journey with food and my body, I wouldn't be in recovery, I wouldn't be writing this blog, and I wouldn't be living the amazing life that I am living today.
This post is dedicated to the Elle Woods of my own understanding. Imagine a day in the future when you're free from your eating disorder: I live in New York City, in an apartment-style dorm in Greenwich Village. I spend my days studying theatre, communications, art therapy, psychology, nutrition, Spanish, Italian, and Japanese, and I... Continue Reading →
No boss, no employer, no parent, and no police can ever tell you who you are. To think our fate lies in the hands of a college admissions person or an FBI agent or a potential superior is FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real. That's just the game we're playing in this lifetime. The World Wide Web is the theme of the video game that is this century. It's challenging, sure: but we all can handle it.
I am ready to receive my menstrual period. I allow my body to safely produce healthy menstrual periods. I always nourish myself lovingly and intuitively and am rewarded with consistent periods.
My relationship with my eating disorder is complex to say the least. I often glamorize my eating disorder, romanticizing the "power" it gave me. But I've given it too much credit. It's time to talk about what I've lost. It ravaged all of my relationships and took me out of the moment. I was trapped in a haze of exercise and restriction, and my personality couldn't come out.
Let me start by saying that I understand. I understand all you expressed in your last letter. I myself struggle with attachment issues, which I have come to define as codependency. I use the word "struggle" carefully, because while it is true that I'm challenged by this "disease" as one may call it - as I myself call it - as I feel and believe that it is -, I consciously choose to operate from the opposite space.
To my nutritionist, AKA my Fairy Godmother: Well, FG, I'll have you know that I'm glowing. Without weighing myself, I know my weight has restored, with the help of midnight snacking (and lots of it; multiple jars of nut butter have been consumed, consciously, and I’m fine with that), sleeping, daily writing of a body... Continue Reading →