My relationship with my eating disorder is complex to say the least. I often glamorize my eating disorder, romanticizing the "power" it gave me. But I've given it too much credit. It's time to talk about what I've lost. It ravaged all of my relationships and took me out of the moment. I was trapped in a haze of exercise and restriction, and my personality couldn't come out.
Let me start by saying that I understand. I understand all you expressed in your last letter. I myself struggle with attachment issues, which I have come to define as codependency. I use the word "struggle" carefully, because while it is true that I'm challenged by this "disease" as one may call it - as I myself call it - as I feel and believe that it is -, I consciously choose to operate from the opposite space.
To my nutritionist, AKA my Fairy Godmother: Well, FG, I'll have you know that I'm glowing. Without weighing myself, I know my weight has restored, with the help of midnight snacking (and lots of it; multiple jars of nut butter have been consumed, consciously, and I’m fine with that), sleeping, daily writing of a body... Continue Reading →
On my first day of rehab, I was asked the following: You are taking a big step in your journey towards recovery. How does it feel to take this step? What are your worries? What are you excited about in your transition to our center? Here was my response: I'm learning to love myself and take ownership of my happiness and health. I'm beginning to realize that I am more than my external motivators: more than my accomplishments, more than my activities, more than exercise, and... Continue Reading →
"I am proactively healing my body. I am creating a healthy body. My weight is normalizing. I now release all blocks that prevent me from having and maintaining a healthy body, and I am restored to balance."-Bella Florence January 30, 2019: It’s 10 o’clock on a Wednesday morning, day 3 of my sophomore spring. 72... Continue Reading →
I Exploited Myself: Or Did I? "Every day is an opportunity" --B___ A_____. On Tuesday, November 27, 2018 (8 days ago now as I write this), I participated in my college's annual Mental Health Arts Festival. (I say annual, but it's only the second year.) I did so last year as well, debuting "Self VS... Continue Reading →
I wrote in a recent essay that recovering from my eating disorder is my greatest accomplishment, and my higher self believes that. But my other self, my darker self, sees the opposite as true. It sees my greatest accomplishment as my eating disorder itself. I’ll never forget the moment—I must have been eleven years old—when... Continue Reading →
I should have regained my power over time, but my mindset was permanently altered. In my years of treatment I was wired to believe that I had reason to doubt myself. But this is a new experience; I am in a new space and time. I'm can receive news about my health and decide for myself what it means.
In the spirit of counting blessings, I have a story to tell. Last Tuesday, during a bout of insomnia, I called in sick to work. For the sake of context, I work at a bakery, a bubblegum-pop franchise in downtown New Orleans. Many have asked if I find it triggering to work around sweets all... Continue Reading →