Thoughts and urges do come up; that's what recovery is. In treatment, we practiced a skill called "urge-surfing," also known as "riding the wave." The goal is to be with the urges: tune in, give them their space, and finally, let them go. That's what I'm doing this morning. Enjoy. 9/20/17: I'm having eating disordered thoughts right now.... Continue Reading →
I'm a white girl and I have white privilege. And that privilege is really bad. I've long been aware of the racial inequality in our country: how could I not? I live here. But while it upsets, me I've hesitated to speak out for fear of misusing language, "tokenizing" people victimized by the system, or... Continue Reading →
I just moved into college and I'm feeling lots of feels. I'm sure many of you can relate. I'm distracting myself by staying busy, but I can't deny the discomfort gnawing at me from within. Historically, I would numb out that discomfort by restricting my food intake and compulsively exercising. But a key to recovery is... Continue Reading →
I love being the skinniest girl. I love being the tiniest girl. I can't threaten that. This morning in core we did weight-sharing and Hannah, Julia, and Lily were talking about how I literally weigh nothing, but I'm so strong, and Lily said she sometimes watches me when I run and I look like a fairy "prancing." How am I supposed to gain weight after hearing that?
8/10/17: I swear to God I've experienced every single human emotion in the past 24 hours, all at the same time. It all started in nutrition...doesn't it always start there? Low and behold my weight is low, despite all of my hard work in Italy. It's like Jesus Christ, will this ever end, will I... Continue Reading →
I just realized something. Unconsciously, my eating disorder & weight manipulation are ways to show I'm hurting. The blog is a great substitute because it publicizes my shit without compromising my physical health. I know I sound like an attention whore, but I'm just being honest. It would be worse if I denied it. As I write,... Continue Reading →
To me, osteoporosis and amenorrhea are my battle scars, the remains of my anorexia, an illness which I have recovered from. The wound has healed and these are the scars. I put my body through hell for two years straight; it’d be naive to think I’d emerge from that unscathed. Look, in a way, it’s good there’s some permanent damage; it’ll teach me not to dance with the devil again.
Jesus, why am I so anxious today? I'm sitting here in CC's, at my favorite table by the window, simultaneously absorbing cold brew and the cunning vernacular of Stephen King, but all I can think is, "when will I workout today?" If I don't workout now, before my 7-hour shift, will I have energy to... Continue Reading →
I don’t even know where to begin right now, I’m so conflicted, I have so many mixed feelings, I’m not even sure if I should be blogging this stuff because it doesn’t directly have to do with my eating disorder but then again this blog is about my recovery and health and wellbeing and just... Continue Reading →